Everything is lining up nicely.
Graduation is vastly approaching. It will be here in three weeks.
My MCAT score will also be here in three weeks.
I leave for Africa in four.
My medical school application is due in six weeks. (That's what I'm shooting for anyway.)
And the queasy, fluttery feeling in my stomach arrived today. 


I'm not one to be too sentimental about things. I didn't cry at high school graduation. I didn't shed a tear at my sorority initiation, my best friend's initiation or my sister's graduation. But today I think it all hit me that I'm growing up and I'm about to go thousands of miles away from my security blanket and support system. The funny thing is, Africa isn't the scary part. Leaving college and placing my future into the hands of the acceptance boards of the schools I will be applying to is what is scary. 
I have a bad habit of doubting myself. Maybe I could have done more community service. Maybe I really should have done HoCo so I could have had the advantages of smaller class sizes and familiarity with the faculty. Maybe I should have been more conscious of my facial expressions and posture in class...what if the people I need LE's from think I was bored and stupid? Maybe I should have run for positions and taken on more responsibilities. I mean, I found enough spare time to have some fun so why didn't I put that towards something to put on a resume? Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am or want to think I am. Maybe I'll just have to settle for being average. Maybe I could have researched more things and planned every important step out ahead of time. Maybe I did everything wrong.
But I need to stop. 
I think everyone feels this way or their own version of it when they're looking the real world in the face. It's just, when you want something so bad....
I just have to keep reminding myself to stay on top of everything. I have to put my best efforts out there and try. God didn't make people to sit on their hands, He's going to use me for something...it just might not be for being a doctor. (BUT I WANT THAT SO MUCH) 
I also have to remember to put my selfish wants aside. MY desires are not going to accomplish His great goal. And deep down, I know that what I really want is to allow Him to touch lives through me. 
I want to be a sock puppet.
I want Him to fill me up, move me, shape me, exalt me, crush me -- whatever it takes to do His will.
I want Him to use my mouth to speak His words.
I want Him to use my thoughts and actions to solve problems.
I want Him to use my heart to be empathetic, sympathetic, gentle, caring, strong and open for others.
I want Him to use my hands to do His work.
I want Him to use my hands to heal.
I want Him to use me.




"Never walk away from someone who deserves help; your hand is God's hand for that person." Proverbs 3:27