Today was JC's Sunday to work with the Children's Ministry so I went into church early and sat down alone. I started seeing people from my class and the anxiety and reality of the upcoming week began to set in: I take USMLE Step 1 in four days.
It's been drilled into us since day 1 of medical school: Step 1 is the "most important test of your life", your score on Step 1 "determines your entire future", "if you don't get a ____ (or God forbid you fail) you can kiss matching into ____ goodbye!"
I take that test in four days.
F O U R D A Y S
As the reality of that began to sink in, the worship leader started playing his guitar and asked us to stand and we sang. We sang a lot of songs about hope, faith, God being strong, God being faithful, God being there through every storm. It was really hard for me to sing along because I had a lump in my throat...not from anxiety or nerves but because I realized something bigger. My test may be Thursday but I won't be taking it alone. God knew exactly what I needed to hear today. When Robert Green got up to speak, he asked us to turn to one of my favorite passages: Matthew 6:25-34.
"25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"
I really like the Message translation of verse 26: "Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down by a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds."
On May 19, 2012, I took one of the biggest leaps of faith of my life so far by answering a call and going to Cameroon, Africa. While there so many things could have gone wrong, so many bad things could have happened, but God called me there and I went and so much good came out of it. God blessed me with the people I met and the experiences I had. God guarded me and kept me safe, he provided for me. When I didn't get accepted to medical school my first try, God provided me with not just one but two great jobs and put even more amazing people in my life. He used my extra skip-year to strengthen my relationship with him and with my family. When I worried about my taking the MCAT, he was there. When I worried about being accepted due to my "low" score, he provided. In the beginning of M1 year I struggled to adapt to the course load, but I finally realized that I wasn't doing it alone. He didn't call me to things or bring me to challenges without seeing me through them. M1 year ended better than I ever expected.
Now M2 year is done and all that is standing between me and my clinical years is "the most important test I'll ever take." Today's sermon reminded me that that test is not an academic test. It's not a test of skill or willpower. It's a test of faith and as a Christian I take that test every day.
Robert Green said, "We can choose fear or we can choose faith. We can choose to consider it uncertainty or we can choose to call it destiny."
I'm choosing faith.
Everyone wants a certain score. Most med students at this point know what area they want to go into and have a goal in mind. Robert Green asked "What are you worried about? What are you trying so hard to get?" I realized, what drives me is not that I want to be better than someone or even be "the best." I just want to meet my potential and make the most out of opportunities I've been given. I have been praying that I would not disappoint God with my performance and that I would make the most out of these opportunities He's given me to study and even take this test. I realize how silly that is. I have to allow God to use me and set to work doing His will. It's not what I do with my life it's what I allow Him to do with my life. Duh Emily.
Step 1 is an important test; the score I make can determine which residencies I qualify for and even whether or not I can go on to my M3 year. But I have complete faith that my Savior will bring me through it. He already knows what my score will be because He already has a plan for me. He knows where I'll match and into which program, because it will be where He wants to use me.
God, I am all yours. Use my to reach out to those in need and touch those in need of comfort, use my mouth to speak your word, spread your joy, and express my thanks, use my feet to go wherever you can use me.
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