12.10.2014

It's crazy how much has and hasn't changed since I last posted.

My last blogs were in anticipation of applying to medical school and here I am one semester in. 

I am still continually reminded to have faith in God's plan for me. School did not get off to the stellar start I had hoped it would. I failed the first tests in both of my biggest classes. And I don't mean, "Oh I made a 69, crap that's failing." I mean I bombed it. I was placed in AAP, a program for students the school wants to keep a closer eye on. That was a definite blow to my confidence. I'm already pretty hard on myself, I can admit that. Then to have to sit across from deans of programs and psychologists and whoever else and discuss study habits, personal weaknesses, and basically explain why I was performing so poorly (when even I didn't know why) and why I should stay...that was tough. I couldn't just say I didn't have a clue, I couldn't say that the material was above my head, and I couldn't say that I could handle it because all of that was a lie. I had to swallow my pride and admit that whatever I thought I was doing right was apparently wrong and open up to suggestions. Luckily, JC and a few of his friends really came through and helped me find some ways to study.

It was hard getting up knowing that what I'd wanted for practically my whole life could be taken away and I'd be the only one to blame. There was this constant weight on my chest. I could rarely hit 'snooze' because my morning alarm (set for 5am) triggered such a panic in me it was impossible to sleep after I knew I should be awake. I should be studying.

But I did it: I got up. Most mornings I re-read a devotional on my phone that had the verses: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand" Isaiah 41:10; and "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him" James 1:12, and I went to school. I studied and I worked my butt off. I reached out for help and my classmates and friends reached back and for them I am forever grateful. But, just like it says in Romans (and in my last post) I knew I could work as hard as I wanted and still I could do nothing without God. Knowing that this was His plan for me and knowing that He always has my back has helped the most. At the end of each exam I say a little prayer placing it all in His hands to do with as He will. He called me to be where I am in life and He didn't bring me here to just drop and leave me. I am now passing all of my classes. I don't have A's but I don't have F's either. 

Over and over again I am reminded of my God's love for me. He shows it through the people He's placed in my life and even through the verses on the blinking sign at the bank I pass on my way home. I serve an amazing God and I can't wait to see what else He does with this sock-puppet of His.

-Em